So for all you hundreds of thousands of readers, this first post is going to be disappointing. I really should wait to write it until I have some more time to coherently phrase my introduction, but I'm impatient. So there.
I've been feeling for a long time like my thoughts have been evaporating from my hideously porous brain, and recent events have made me decide that it would be fulfilling to not allow them to forever disappear into the ether, but in fact force them to materialize tangibly in cyberspace. These thoughts will neither be profound nor original, but hopefully they will be mine, and if nothing else allow me to look back on my enormous success, or shattered ruins of a life once promising, and see what I did right, or made go FUBAR.
I am in that singular hell called graduate school. This involves getting paid very little to get a piece of paper which allows you to get paid less for doing a more stressful job than your peers. You gotta love the science, or it's not worth it. Then again, the phrase pot committed has been lounging in my head for some time now. It's applied to more than one aspect of my life, and its not a good feeling. Nor a good place to be in a poker hand. I've been pursuing my "higher education" since '95, and some days I feel like a fat man chasing a donut on a treadmill; the goal is always out of reach, but of questionable desirability or benefit to the pursuer. We'll get there though, 12 months or bust.
I had a very successful experiment today. Likely this has begun the endgame for the formation of my very first #1 author publication. An incremental discovery in the regulation of the DNA repair pathway, likely will not lead to more than a brick sized step in an uneven and enormous staircase of knowledge which hopefully leads to understanding and curing cancer(not likely), but mine nonetheless. This has me in a good mood; motivated, a bit hyper, a feeling I've had a good deal lately, I think my lack of sleep has made it easier for me to become hypomanic... but hey, hypomanic folks can accomplish quite a bit while staring down the precipice. Well, more about that later... maybe tomorrow.
I had a dream the other night that there was an intruder in my house, I heard the door slam downstairs(probably the neighbors fighting again), and of course knew this meant there was an intruder in my house, coming to end my miserable existence. I think I dreamt with my eyes open, as I could see my whole room, and felt paralyzed, or at least very sluggish(common theme in my nightmares). In the dream I managed to reach into my nightstand for my pistol and flashlight(another tipoff it was a dream: Loaded + Batteries), and went to confront the intruder, who turned out to be my former roommate, back from climbing in colorado, at 4:00 AM on a sunday morning... I was very confused, and woke up. Then it repeated. I wish the neighbors would stop slamming that door. A week prior, I had a similar dream where my open closet door was in fact a bear coming to eat me and if I did not wake up before it reached my bed I would die in my sleep. This is perhaps the most terrifying nightmare, where you realize you are asleep, but still think with the flawed logic of the dream, and are literally paralyzed from moving. Good thing the house is empty, I think the screaming awakening would have been disconcerting to anyone else there. I've gotta stop dreaming with my eyes open.
I think this was long enough for an incoherent first post. I haven't done much writing lately, aside from technical writing, so this will be a learning process. Hopefully I can expand my vocabulary and communication skills through this process. More importantly, hopefully this leads to me taking a more active role in examining my life, how I got here, and where should I lead it. I feel on the verge of a road to some greater understanding of myself, but if that does not occur, at least I'll have a record of my madness.
Song: Talking Heads: Once in a Lifetime
Movie: Network
Goal: Run a 10K this evening
Word: Kallipygous
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